Friday, September 28, 2007
Mentoring - A Strong Foundation
"Can you walk on water? You have done no better than a straw. Can you fly in the air? You have done no better than a Bluebottle. Conquer your heart; then you may become somebody." Ansari of Harat
The mentor is often asked for his opinion on issues that relate to aspects of temporal life. What is the best investment vehicle for retirement? Do you think I should accept this new job offer? What is the best way to handle this problem with my family? Should I go back for my degree?
These are important questions to the person asking them. Mentors treat them with the respect they deserve because of that. But they also recognize they have relative value.
Relative value means that they have a specific value assigned to them by the person asking the question. The value that another person assigns to them would likely be different. If I am independently wealthy, I will not be concerned about how to invest my money for retirement. I will also probably not be concerned about a new job offer.
Relative values are shifting sands. They change as our life circumstances change. We are concerned about an issue until it resolves or we learn to live with it.
Mentors are concerned about providing assistance with decisions relating to relative values. But they make an effort to use them as learning vehicles that point the person toward underlying foundational values.
Foundational values guide how we feel about relative values. If we have poor foundational values, we tend to experience turbulence with relative value issues. We build our houses on sand rather than rock.
If, for example, our foundational value is "every man for himself" then we might be thoughtless in our approach to resolving a business dispute. We may win the dispute, but lose the respect of others. That will eventually erode our base of support in the workplace and community. We risk our self respect. Our foundation will start to crumble. If our foundational value is, however, "love your neighbor as yourself" we will use mediation and negotiating techniques to arrive at a win / win solution.
Mentors try to answer questions relating to relative values, but also try to help students understand that those questions must be viewed in light of how they tie into foundational values. Without that understanding, students will forever be treating symptoms rather than diseases.
A person can earn a great deal of money, attain high office, wield much power and hold influence over many, but if they have not laid proper foundational values, it will be difficult for them to "become somebody".
The mentor is often asked for his opinion on issues that relate to aspects of temporal life. What is the best investment vehicle for retirement? Do you think I should accept this new job offer? What is the best way to handle this problem with my family? Should I go back for my degree?
These are important questions to the person asking them. Mentors treat them with the respect they deserve because of that. But they also recognize they have relative value.
Relative value means that they have a specific value assigned to them by the person asking the question. The value that another person assigns to them would likely be different. If I am independently wealthy, I will not be concerned about how to invest my money for retirement. I will also probably not be concerned about a new job offer.
Relative values are shifting sands. They change as our life circumstances change. We are concerned about an issue until it resolves or we learn to live with it.
Mentors are concerned about providing assistance with decisions relating to relative values. But they make an effort to use them as learning vehicles that point the person toward underlying foundational values.
Foundational values guide how we feel about relative values. If we have poor foundational values, we tend to experience turbulence with relative value issues. We build our houses on sand rather than rock.
If, for example, our foundational value is "every man for himself" then we might be thoughtless in our approach to resolving a business dispute. We may win the dispute, but lose the respect of others. That will eventually erode our base of support in the workplace and community. We risk our self respect. Our foundation will start to crumble. If our foundational value is, however, "love your neighbor as yourself" we will use mediation and negotiating techniques to arrive at a win / win solution.
Mentors try to answer questions relating to relative values, but also try to help students understand that those questions must be viewed in light of how they tie into foundational values. Without that understanding, students will forever be treating symptoms rather than diseases.
A person can earn a great deal of money, attain high office, wield much power and hold influence over many, but if they have not laid proper foundational values, it will be difficult for them to "become somebody".
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
It'll Be Alright
Yesterday I was talking with a young man who was really struggling in life. A good person, he found himself in a desperate financial situation that was contributing to a deep depression. He had lost his faith and was frantically searching for some purpose and direction.
After talking with him, I was driving home and remembered a period in my life when I too was struggling with some very difficult and painful issues. During this time I was driving home from work on a lonely, wooded stretch of highway at about 2am on a hot summer night when I spotted an older gentleman walking along the shoulder of the road. I stopped and asked him if I could give him a ride. He smiled, thanked me and got into the car.
He looked to be about 65 years old, had white hair, a kind face and was dressed in clean working clothes … khaki slacks, a plaid shirt and a fall jacket. I asked where he was going and he replied “Oh, just a ways up the road.” Then, to my surprise, he shifted the discussion to me. He said something about me looking like I was carrying the world on my shoulders. I didn’t think it was noticeable but admitted that, like everyone else, I had a few things on my mind.
A few moments later the hairs on my neck stood up when he started to talk with me about my life … about generalities and specifics that he couldn’t possibly have known about. His demeanor was kind, wise, insightful, understanding, encouraging and helpful. But I have to admit, it was unnerving listening to him talk about the nature of life and about me … especially when I hadn’t shared any personal information with him.
After about ten minutes he said, “You can let me out about a hundred yards up the road here.” I slowed the car down and stopped where he indicated he wanted to get out and noticed that we were still on a very isolated section of the highway … all woods, no houses or gas stations or any other buildings that I could see. But he insisted.
As he got out of my old Ford and shut the door, thanking me for my kindness in giving him a ride, I asked, “Who are you?” He bent over so he could look at me through the open window, smiled gently and said simply, “Remember, it’ll be alright.” Then he turned and walked away toward the rear of the car along the soft shoulder of the road.
I put the car into gear and pulled slowly onto the road but only made it about 20 feet when I realized that I just couldn’t leave this older man on a highway by himself at 2am. I stopped quickly, grabbed the flashlight I kept under my seat, jumped out of the car and looked back … only to find that he had completely vanished. I ran back to where I had let him out. My tire prints were there in the soft sand of the road's shoulder. But there were no footprints. I shined the flashlight along the shoulder, into the woods, calling out. But nobody answered.
At that moment, a verse of scripture popped into my mind. “Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for by this some have entertained angels unawares.” (Hebrews 13:2).
I’ve thought about that encounter many times over the years … and what he meant by “…it’ll be alright.” At the time shortly after the encounter I hoped it might mean that I’d get what I wanted out of life … that the road would be relatively easy … that there would be little or no suffering … that I’d be happy and fulfilled. Unfortunately, the road hasn’t been easy at all, I’ve suffered a great deal over a great many things and, although there have been times of happiness, there has been much tribulation.
As I’ve grown in years, I’ve come to understand that perhaps this kind visitor wasn’t simply being empathetic and offering me a shallow, worthless blessing that would never come to pass. Perhaps he was simply saying that, despite the fact that we have tribulation in this world, it’ll be alright anyway. Perhaps he wasn’t talking about the next five or ten or forty years. Perhaps his statement was about how everything would turn out in the end ... in the broader scheme of things. Maybe what he was saying was that there is a plan even if we can't see it ... that God is aware of what's happening in our lives ... that we see through a glass darkly now but someday our vision will be 20/20.
That possibility dawned on me again last night as I pondered my discussion with my young friend … and I found myself hoping that he could understand right then what I think is just dawning on me over 30 years after the object lesson was delivered.
After talking with him, I was driving home and remembered a period in my life when I too was struggling with some very difficult and painful issues. During this time I was driving home from work on a lonely, wooded stretch of highway at about 2am on a hot summer night when I spotted an older gentleman walking along the shoulder of the road. I stopped and asked him if I could give him a ride. He smiled, thanked me and got into the car.
He looked to be about 65 years old, had white hair, a kind face and was dressed in clean working clothes … khaki slacks, a plaid shirt and a fall jacket. I asked where he was going and he replied “Oh, just a ways up the road.” Then, to my surprise, he shifted the discussion to me. He said something about me looking like I was carrying the world on my shoulders. I didn’t think it was noticeable but admitted that, like everyone else, I had a few things on my mind.
A few moments later the hairs on my neck stood up when he started to talk with me about my life … about generalities and specifics that he couldn’t possibly have known about. His demeanor was kind, wise, insightful, understanding, encouraging and helpful. But I have to admit, it was unnerving listening to him talk about the nature of life and about me … especially when I hadn’t shared any personal information with him.
After about ten minutes he said, “You can let me out about a hundred yards up the road here.” I slowed the car down and stopped where he indicated he wanted to get out and noticed that we were still on a very isolated section of the highway … all woods, no houses or gas stations or any other buildings that I could see. But he insisted.
As he got out of my old Ford and shut the door, thanking me for my kindness in giving him a ride, I asked, “Who are you?” He bent over so he could look at me through the open window, smiled gently and said simply, “Remember, it’ll be alright.” Then he turned and walked away toward the rear of the car along the soft shoulder of the road.
I put the car into gear and pulled slowly onto the road but only made it about 20 feet when I realized that I just couldn’t leave this older man on a highway by himself at 2am. I stopped quickly, grabbed the flashlight I kept under my seat, jumped out of the car and looked back … only to find that he had completely vanished. I ran back to where I had let him out. My tire prints were there in the soft sand of the road's shoulder. But there were no footprints. I shined the flashlight along the shoulder, into the woods, calling out. But nobody answered.
At that moment, a verse of scripture popped into my mind. “Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for by this some have entertained angels unawares.” (Hebrews 13:2).
I’ve thought about that encounter many times over the years … and what he meant by “…it’ll be alright.” At the time shortly after the encounter I hoped it might mean that I’d get what I wanted out of life … that the road would be relatively easy … that there would be little or no suffering … that I’d be happy and fulfilled. Unfortunately, the road hasn’t been easy at all, I’ve suffered a great deal over a great many things and, although there have been times of happiness, there has been much tribulation.
As I’ve grown in years, I’ve come to understand that perhaps this kind visitor wasn’t simply being empathetic and offering me a shallow, worthless blessing that would never come to pass. Perhaps he was simply saying that, despite the fact that we have tribulation in this world, it’ll be alright anyway. Perhaps he wasn’t talking about the next five or ten or forty years. Perhaps his statement was about how everything would turn out in the end ... in the broader scheme of things. Maybe what he was saying was that there is a plan even if we can't see it ... that God is aware of what's happening in our lives ... that we see through a glass darkly now but someday our vision will be 20/20.
That possibility dawned on me again last night as I pondered my discussion with my young friend … and I found myself hoping that he could understand right then what I think is just dawning on me over 30 years after the object lesson was delivered.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Mentoring - Sculpting our Feelings
"Great men are they who see the spiritual is stronger than any material force, that thoughts rule the world." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Feelings are inaccurate barometers of who we are. They cannot be reliably used to predict the future state of the person because they are but fleeting expressions of our present essence based on past experience and learning.
We were once clean slates. All we are now is based on what learning experiences we have had during our years of living. Because we have become who we are, we can become who we will be.
When we were infants and children, we were subject to the experiences of our environment. As we become older, we can gain the ability to make choices for ourselves. We can change our environment and the way we think about our environment.
Feelings are based largely on thoughts. Thought are very powerful, but also extremely pliable. They are ethereal in nature. A thought is not like a piece of concrete that you cannot bend or shape with your hands. It is subject to your influence. Although reshaping your thoughts takes some effort, all skills worth learning take effort. The key is practice. When you become proficient at shaping or sculpting your thoughts, you become proficient at shaping your feelings.
Feelings do not reflect the future. They reflect the past. They show us the water that has already passed under the bridge. They are imprints of our footsteps on our own minds.
The way we feel about things is directly conditioned by the lessons we have learned in the past. They are an image of people we have been with and where we have traveled with them.
We may have learned to feel inadequate if we needed to ask for help with something. If we learned that lesson well, we will feel incompetent every time we need assistance with an effort.
We may have learned that we are undeserving of anything good happening in our lives. Then, when something good does happen to us, we become suspicious and nervous, thinking that something bad is certain to follow.
But we cannot allow these feelings to be our guides. We need to learn new ways of thinking, believing and feeling. Our new choices should be sound, healthful, balanced and guided by the Light.
We are always in school, but we are no longer children who are powerless to choose or create environments or to sculpt our thoughts and feelings. Mentors are your brothers and sisters on the journey. They have walked the path ahead and attended to the lessons. They can help you in the process of shaping your thoughts and feelings because they are further along in the process of shaping their own.
Feelings are inaccurate barometers of who we are. They cannot be reliably used to predict the future state of the person because they are but fleeting expressions of our present essence based on past experience and learning.
We were once clean slates. All we are now is based on what learning experiences we have had during our years of living. Because we have become who we are, we can become who we will be.
When we were infants and children, we were subject to the experiences of our environment. As we become older, we can gain the ability to make choices for ourselves. We can change our environment and the way we think about our environment.
Feelings are based largely on thoughts. Thought are very powerful, but also extremely pliable. They are ethereal in nature. A thought is not like a piece of concrete that you cannot bend or shape with your hands. It is subject to your influence. Although reshaping your thoughts takes some effort, all skills worth learning take effort. The key is practice. When you become proficient at shaping or sculpting your thoughts, you become proficient at shaping your feelings.
Feelings do not reflect the future. They reflect the past. They show us the water that has already passed under the bridge. They are imprints of our footsteps on our own minds.
The way we feel about things is directly conditioned by the lessons we have learned in the past. They are an image of people we have been with and where we have traveled with them.
We may have learned to feel inadequate if we needed to ask for help with something. If we learned that lesson well, we will feel incompetent every time we need assistance with an effort.
We may have learned that we are undeserving of anything good happening in our lives. Then, when something good does happen to us, we become suspicious and nervous, thinking that something bad is certain to follow.
But we cannot allow these feelings to be our guides. We need to learn new ways of thinking, believing and feeling. Our new choices should be sound, healthful, balanced and guided by the Light.
We are always in school, but we are no longer children who are powerless to choose or create environments or to sculpt our thoughts and feelings. Mentors are your brothers and sisters on the journey. They have walked the path ahead and attended to the lessons. They can help you in the process of shaping your thoughts and feelings because they are further along in the process of shaping their own.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Mentoring - Gardening of the Mind
Springtime brings a rainbow of beautiful flowers and budding trees into our lives. Some of them are a gift from the earth ... they simply blossom in the wilderness without any effort from the hand of humans. They reflect the natural benevolence of God in the wild places. Others are the direct result of our own deliberate labors. We draw a design for our gardens, plant tulip bulbs and tulips grow!
Our minds are very similar to our gardens. What blossoms in them depends on what we plant. We won't get tulips if we plant ragweed. It takes some effort to plan a design, plant the right seeds, to get our hands dirty taking out the weeds, to water and fertilize and to ensure adequate light. But with a little work, we can have beautiful gardens of the mind.
Nature abhors a vacuum. We can rest assured that something is going to grow in the garden of our minds. They will not and cannot remain blank. We can either be the architects and gardeners, drawing the design, choosing the seeds, deciding how many there will be of each variety and where we will plant them. Or we can leave the garden undesigned and unattended. But we cannot go through life without thinking, without holding beliefs and without developing values. If we do not take care to sort out and choose the seeds we wish to plant, then we can be certain that other seeds will be planted for us. Other people and spiritual principalities will walk through our gardens unchallenged, dropping seeds where they will. Weeds will sprout, choking out other growth.
You will have plantings that you do not appreciate and their design will be haphazard, confusing, and potentially hurtful. Our thought life is a powerful force. Thoughts are connected to spiritual forces in that they are nonphysical, non local and operate at higher levels than our physical world. They are a primary reality in that actions and results occur as a result of thought, not vice versa. They can alter physiological functions. They can change physical realities. Decisions made as a result of our beliefs or thoughts can affect the future. They are related to our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health.
Knowing that, we are encouraged by the Light to be transformed by the renewing of our minds which are the generators of our thoughts. This is a process, not a single event. It requires some work getting our hands dirty, weeding, watering, planting, fertilizing and Lighting.
We must prepare the soil, taking an inventory of our belief systems. Why do we think and act like we do? Is it because we chose these thoughts? Or is it because we unconsciously absorbed these thoughts from others? Are they serving us well? Or are they destructive and disruptive? How would we like to think and act?
Then we plant the seeds. We fill our minds with thoughts that are uplifting, positive, encouraging, wholesome, hopeful, beautiful and helpful. We affirm and reaffirm the way we want to think and act. This is the daily activity of renewing our minds.
Finally we tend to germination. Encouraging the growth of the plants means a little preventive maintenance. No weeds must be allowed to take root and grow, choking out the Light, space and nutrients. Detrimental thoughts must be ejected whenever they intrude. We literally cannot afford the luxury of a negative thought.
Mentors are accomplished gardeners. they know how to design, plant, weed and encourage the growth of their own gardens. And they are qualified to help others with theirs.
Our minds are very similar to our gardens. What blossoms in them depends on what we plant. We won't get tulips if we plant ragweed. It takes some effort to plan a design, plant the right seeds, to get our hands dirty taking out the weeds, to water and fertilize and to ensure adequate light. But with a little work, we can have beautiful gardens of the mind.
Nature abhors a vacuum. We can rest assured that something is going to grow in the garden of our minds. They will not and cannot remain blank. We can either be the architects and gardeners, drawing the design, choosing the seeds, deciding how many there will be of each variety and where we will plant them. Or we can leave the garden undesigned and unattended. But we cannot go through life without thinking, without holding beliefs and without developing values. If we do not take care to sort out and choose the seeds we wish to plant, then we can be certain that other seeds will be planted for us. Other people and spiritual principalities will walk through our gardens unchallenged, dropping seeds where they will. Weeds will sprout, choking out other growth.
You will have plantings that you do not appreciate and their design will be haphazard, confusing, and potentially hurtful. Our thought life is a powerful force. Thoughts are connected to spiritual forces in that they are nonphysical, non local and operate at higher levels than our physical world. They are a primary reality in that actions and results occur as a result of thought, not vice versa. They can alter physiological functions. They can change physical realities. Decisions made as a result of our beliefs or thoughts can affect the future. They are related to our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health.
Knowing that, we are encouraged by the Light to be transformed by the renewing of our minds which are the generators of our thoughts. This is a process, not a single event. It requires some work getting our hands dirty, weeding, watering, planting, fertilizing and Lighting.
We must prepare the soil, taking an inventory of our belief systems. Why do we think and act like we do? Is it because we chose these thoughts? Or is it because we unconsciously absorbed these thoughts from others? Are they serving us well? Or are they destructive and disruptive? How would we like to think and act?
Then we plant the seeds. We fill our minds with thoughts that are uplifting, positive, encouraging, wholesome, hopeful, beautiful and helpful. We affirm and reaffirm the way we want to think and act. This is the daily activity of renewing our minds.
Finally we tend to germination. Encouraging the growth of the plants means a little preventive maintenance. No weeds must be allowed to take root and grow, choking out the Light, space and nutrients. Detrimental thoughts must be ejected whenever they intrude. We literally cannot afford the luxury of a negative thought.
Mentors are accomplished gardeners. they know how to design, plant, weed and encourage the growth of their own gardens. And they are qualified to help others with theirs.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Mentoring - Being Present
Being "present" means different things to different people. To a child in school, being present means that they are in attendance when the roll is called ... they are simply "there". To someone else it may mean living life one day at a time ... not in the past and not in the future. To another, it may mean being totally involved with someone when you are with them ... giving them full attention and concentration ... being "present" with them.
There is much to be said for the last two concepts. Many people tend not to live wisely in the present. We say that we must plan for the future and build a better tomorrow. But often we don't do a very good job of it. Out waterways are polluted, our country is in debt, violent crime is on the increase.
There is such a thing as spending too much time in the past or the future. Do we need to examine the past so we can learn from it? Yes. Do we need to plan? Absolutely. But that does not mean that we sacrifice today for yesterday or tomorrow. The best way to play for the future is to build a solid foundation today. In that respect, there is much to be said for taking one day at a time.
From the second perspective, being "present" with a person means that you pay attention to your interactions with them. You do not interact unconsciously. When you talk with them, you really hear what they are saying. When you speak to them, you look into their eyes. If appropriate, you may take their hand in yours or touch their shoulder to establish a contact. You get a sense for where they are coming from, for why they are saying what they are, for the person behind the words.
To be present means that you are not thinking about the next thing that you are going to say or about next weeks vacation plans. You take time to listen and trust that, when they are through talking, the worlds that you need to speak in response will come naturally.
When two people are present with one another, there is mutual respect that generates positive energy. There is a natural give and take and ebb and flow of the conversation. It is not one person talking AT another. In the latter situation, the energy field of the person talking leaps into the energy field of the receiver. One literally tries to pierce the shielding of another as a sword would pierce the flesh. The purpose is to attack, overwhelm or siphon off power. When two people are talking WITH one another, both being present for the other, the fields intermingle and are mutually strengthened. There is balance.
There is power and wisdom in both forms of "present." Mentors are always present with their students, giving full attention and focusing on the interaction. This can occur only if the mentor is grounded in the present moment. The act of projecting into the past or future takes a person out of the current moment and cancels the ability to connect in any meaningful way.
If preoccupation with another matter makes it difficult to be present with another person, the interaction is usually best rescheduled.
There is much to be said for the last two concepts. Many people tend not to live wisely in the present. We say that we must plan for the future and build a better tomorrow. But often we don't do a very good job of it. Out waterways are polluted, our country is in debt, violent crime is on the increase.
There is such a thing as spending too much time in the past or the future. Do we need to examine the past so we can learn from it? Yes. Do we need to plan? Absolutely. But that does not mean that we sacrifice today for yesterday or tomorrow. The best way to play for the future is to build a solid foundation today. In that respect, there is much to be said for taking one day at a time.
From the second perspective, being "present" with a person means that you pay attention to your interactions with them. You do not interact unconsciously. When you talk with them, you really hear what they are saying. When you speak to them, you look into their eyes. If appropriate, you may take their hand in yours or touch their shoulder to establish a contact. You get a sense for where they are coming from, for why they are saying what they are, for the person behind the words.
To be present means that you are not thinking about the next thing that you are going to say or about next weeks vacation plans. You take time to listen and trust that, when they are through talking, the worlds that you need to speak in response will come naturally.
When two people are present with one another, there is mutual respect that generates positive energy. There is a natural give and take and ebb and flow of the conversation. It is not one person talking AT another. In the latter situation, the energy field of the person talking leaps into the energy field of the receiver. One literally tries to pierce the shielding of another as a sword would pierce the flesh. The purpose is to attack, overwhelm or siphon off power. When two people are talking WITH one another, both being present for the other, the fields intermingle and are mutually strengthened. There is balance.
There is power and wisdom in both forms of "present." Mentors are always present with their students, giving full attention and focusing on the interaction. This can occur only if the mentor is grounded in the present moment. The act of projecting into the past or future takes a person out of the current moment and cancels the ability to connect in any meaningful way.
If preoccupation with another matter makes it difficult to be present with another person, the interaction is usually best rescheduled.
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