Forgiveness

Have you ever noticed how people tend to take a concept like forgiveness and try to mold it into a black and white issue from which they justify their stances? A “forgiveness purist” might say that you have to forgive everyone for anything and everything they do – no questions asked, no strings attached. A “forgiveness pragmatist” might say that forgiveness is linked to repentance and at least some level of commitment by the forgiven to change their behavior.

Where does the truth lie? Probably somewhere in between. At least, that’s as close as I can come to a good answer.

I clicked on MSN yesterday and saw a news article whose headline read something like “The 20 Greatest Hypocrites of Our Time.” It listed people like Elliott Spitzer, New York’s aggressive attorney general, who was hard on vice as a prosecutor but who, himself, was identified as a “john” in a prostitution ring. And Rush Limbaugh who has publicly stated that people who used illicit drugs should be prosecuted and locked up, but who allegedly “doctor shopped” to feed an addiction to prescription pain killers.

The whole article, although true in its reporting of the facts, had a very negative overtone to it. There wasn’t any point to it except to identify hypocritical behaviors of highly public figures. There was no moral lesson. There was no effort to convey a warning like “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” There obviously was no attempt to say, “You know, anybody can find themselves in this kind of situation. And we’re all hypocrites to some degree. So, let’s not savage these folks … let’s learn from their pain.” It was very simply a barefaced act of public humiliation. That was it. Nothing more. And it left me with a very, very bad taste in my mouth.

Yes, we can all get a little shot of self-righteous adrenalin by looking at these kinds of situations, doing a comparison between them and us and patting ourselves on the back for being “so much better.” But the truth is, we aren’t. We’ve all screwed up. We’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all hurt people. We’ve all done things we regret.

As a species, humans have a very nasty tendency to rationalize away their own shortcomings while, at the same time, magnifying others weaknesses. It’s largely a psychologically-based, ego-driven attempt to make us feel superior. But we should all wonder what price we pay for it.

Jesus delivered his message in parables to the crowds and was much more specific in his teachings to his closest disciples. But we can be assured that, although the teachings were somewhat different in delivery and content, there was alignment in message.

When people of a small community surrounded a prostitute and were ready to stone her, Jesus crouched down and drew descriptions of their own sins in the sand. Then, looking up, he said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” On another occasion, someone in some degree of exasperation asked him how many times they had to forgive someone ... seven times? His reply was “… not seven … but seven times seventy.” In at least one instance he said, “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn your other to him.” A different time, he forgave a person and advised him to “ … sin no more.” Finally, while hanging on the cross, he uttered the famous words, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

I’m certainly not in a position to be so self-righteous as to try to hold people to a rigid, purist stance on forgiveness. Frankly, I think it’s beyond my abilities right now to forgive people for certain acts. Pre-meditated murder, child abuse, mistreatment of the elderly and infirmed … all come to mind as only a few of many, many examples. But, in the absolute highest spiritual sense, I realize that I lose a little piece of me by not being able to do so. And I know that we all have done things that people might not have completely forgiven us for … acts perhaps smaller than capital crimes, but certainly painful to others nonetheless … and when that happens, it holds us hostage. It’s difficult to move forward. It’s hard to get beyond the pain. The act of unforgiveness blocks healing. It hurts … and it keeps on hurting.

It’s a bit scary to try to paraphrase Jesus on forgiveness … or anything else. But I’m going to attempt it here. “Look … everybody has made mistakes. Some small with limited impact. Some larger with more significant impact. But nobody is guiltless or blameless. And, without actually experiencing the cumulative results of what another person has experienced in their life, it’s impossible for you to know what motivated them to do what they did. So, when somebody offends you, you can choose to hold onto it. Or you can choose to forgive and let it go. Forgiving can be tough. But it’s a higher road. And, although there aren’t any guarantees, it can result in repaired relationships, better health and a more productive future. Think of it like this … what I’ve said about forgiveness is like a teacher telling a student what he needs to do to get an 'A' in an assignment. It’s the highest road you can possibly take. If you don’t do it all the time or aren’t able to do it all under certain extreme circumstances, it doesn’t mean you don’t 'pass the course.' If you can’t do it at all, however, or do it on a very limited basis, you’re going to have a very difficult time in life. So, at least try to soften the walls a bit.”

Having experienced all aspects of the forgiveness equation from both sides including being forgiven and unforgiven and extending and withholding forgiveness, that seems like pretty good advice.